Be Here Now

Brian stepped into the elevator and pressed “Lobby.” He stood against the back wall, his hands shoved into his jeans pocket and his ID badge swinging softly from the lanyard around his neck. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, doing his best to forget about the phone call he had just finished.

“Rough day?” a woman’s voice asked.

Brian opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized someone else was in the elevator. His lips curled into a hint of a smile.

“A bit,” he answered with a soft chuckle. “Though I don’t know that it’s been drastically rougher than any other day.”

“I know that story,” she replied.

The elevator arrived at the ground floor and the doors opened. Brian waited for the woman to exit before walking out. He extended his arm back through the doorway to hold the elevator for the tall, dark-skinned man hobbling through the lobby. He made sure the man was safely inside, gave him a kind smile and took his arm back so the doors could close.

Brian made his way outside and began walking. He wasn’t sure where he was going; a coffee run was in order, for sure, but this was about more than just caffeine. He needed to clear his head.

He’d become all too familiar with the signs. He could feel the tightness between his shoulder blades and he had noticed the increase in the amount of time he’d been spending not finishing his paperwork. He was tired, but only partially because he hadn’t been sleeping well recently. He could feel the way his body slumped into his desk chair and the now-reflexive eye roll anytime his phone began to ring. Even his pace, usually quick and purposeful, had become more lethargic.

Brian thought about his last conversation with his therapist as he walked. The words “helpless,” “drifting” and “resigned” were still floating around in his mind. She had offered suggestions for lifting himself out of his funk but he was having trouble envisioning a scenario where he could put any of those strategies into practice. The tides of responsibility were rising steadily and he was having trouble keeping his head above water.

Brian stumbled suddenly as his sneaker caught the edge of a raised bit of concrete. He regained his footing and stood for a moment to gather himself. He glanced around surreptitiously to see if anyone had witnessed his clumsiness but the sidewalk was clear; he was still alone. He took a step in the direction he had been heading previously but stopped almost immediately.

He was in front of a bookstore.

Brian had been infatuated with books as a child. He had hoarded books like they were an endangered species and devoured their stories as though they would disappear if he didn’t. He remembered asking to go into bookstores anytime he and his family would pass one in the mall so that he could glance at the comic books and the artwork on the science fiction covers. He thought about how his reading tastes had changed as he grew up and felt a twinge of nostalgia for seemingly simpler times.

He scanned the paperbacks in a display cart outside the store marked “Used.” Many of the books were somewhat worn, which comforted Brian; it meant that the stories they held inside had been told numerous times. He didn’t recognize most of the titles, though an author here and there seemed familiar. His eyes settled on a purplish-blue cover with an intricate white circular design on the front and a commanding title.

Be Here Now.

Brian picked up the book and thumbed through the pages. He was surprised at the connections to religion and the Hippie movement, not to mention the presence of illustrations. He had heard of the book before but expected more of a self-help instruction manual, rather than an autobiography combined with yoga and spirituality. Brian decided, after a moment of deliberation, that he wasn’t going to buy it. His interest had been piqued but he returned the book back to the cart. He might have been “here now” but it wasn’t the time to buy the book. He continued walking.

Be Here Now.

Brian considered the title’s message. He thought about how he had been doing the opposite so frequently recently, especially at work, and he realized he needed a change. He needed to change his mindset, he needed to change his attitude and he definitely needed to change his behavior. Still, paperwork suddenly didn’t feel quite as important. Phone calls and spreadsheets and lists of appointments no longer held the same urgency. Brian knew, of course, that the work would need to be completed, but a plan for chipping away at the mountain was forming in his mind. He was no longer worried about needing to finish everything immediately.

Be Here Now.

Brian felt his shoulders relax slightly. He stopped in at a coffee shop – the smaller store with the higher caffeine content; Starbucks and the coffee cart at work weren’t going to cut it today – and felt his pace quicken as he continued the walk back to his office. His gait became more deliberate as he walked; his confidence was returning. He glanced around as he walked, taking note of people’s clothing, the various discolorations on the sidewalk, the flapping of the umbrella over the fruit cart on the corner. He wondered how many times he had walked these few blocks, oblivious to so many of his surroundings because of his preoccupations with internal struggles.

Be Here Now.

Brian reconsidered his therapist’s suggestions for climbing out of his rut, particularly her advice concerning agency and accountability. He smiled to himself as he recalled the Lao-Tzu quote about every journey beginning with a single step and made a decision. It was time to take control, to take more initiative, to become more active. Brian chuckled audibly as he pictured his wife paraphrasing the line from her favorite movie; it was time to stop being the supporting role and become the lead actor of his life.

He shook his head vigorously as he arrived back at his office, shedding the weights that had been bringing him down as a dog rids itself of rainwater when it comes inside. He sat down at his desk, keeping a straighter posture than usual, pulled out his to-do list, and began working.

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