Masking the Struggle to Adjust During the Pandemic

Today was a better day.

I feel almost embarrassed writing that sentence. Describing today as “better” means that the other days have been… less so. As someone who tends to present with a generally positive mood, I worry sometimes about showing a different side. The darker, struggling version of myself – the Castor to my Pollux, or perhaps, vice versa – is ever-present, despite remaining beneath the surface most of the time. And, though I’m well aware of the benefits of revealing that side, the admission itself still feels awkward.

My challenges are hardly unique. I spent thirteen years leaving my apartment for work each morning. Anyone suddenly working at home every day can empathize with the struggle to adjust. The pandemic has shifted my paradigm of compartmentalizing out household chores and my son’s school assignments to one where I face both simultaneously each day.

No longer can I leave the house in the morning knowing that I can set tasks aside in my mind. “I’ll take care of it later” was never a great response, but at least I had the excuse that I couldn’t very well clean the bathroom while I was at work. Even if “later” sometimes came later than it should have, there was a clear distinction between time and responsibilities.

Days were for work; evenings were for everything else.

Now, though, after the morning routine of walking the dog, serving breakfast and bringing my daughter to school, I can’t seem to figure out what to do next. Should I get an early start on work by checking emails and catching up on paperwork? Should I make sure that everything in the apartment is in its place before redirecting my mind to my job? What’s the best use of my time while my son is occupied by his remote classes? If I know a project will take time, should I bother starting if I know that my son will have a break before I’m finished?

I can practically hear the permanent stay-at-home parents laughing at me.

“We’ve been doing this every day for years,” they say. “Stop whining, get your act together and figure it out.”

It has been eight months, after all.

The rational part of my brain – the Pollux to my Castor, or perhaps, vice versa – knows that the laughter I’m imagining is just that: imaginary. I’m comparing myself to perceptions of other people’s progress. I’m using information gleaned from social media, rather than actual conversations, and we know how dangerous that can be.

But, as the kids say these days, the struggle is real.

There is no longer a separation between home, school and the office. My workdays used to be peppered with conversations with coworkers and visits to different families in different parts of the city. I used my commute between work and home to redirect my mind toward the different responsibilities I was about to face. Now the scenery doesn’t change, the responsibilities are blurred and I find myself identifying with Trent Reznor more than ever.

The solutions here are fairly obvious. Find ways to break up the monotony. Go outside with my son during his lunch break and take the dog for more strenuous walks. Create a schedule for each day so that I can prioritize tasks. Dress like I’m going to work, rather than staying in a t-shirt and shorts. Shave more regularly (though maybe not this month). Eat better, drink more water, get more exercise.

Putting those solutions into practice, however, is a different matter entirely. Any effort to shift one’s mindset requires organization, support and, most of all, discipline. These traits have never been my strongest suits, unfortunately, which is why I’m writing this in the eighth month of the pandemic instead of the eighth day. The first step to making a change, though, is identifying the problem, which I’m taking care of here. Plus, if the inquiries I’ve gotten about modifying parenting expectations during the pandemic are any indication, I’m hardly the only person who is taking a bit longer to adjust.

We’re all still just trying to get through each day. Everyone is facing pressure of some kind or another. We live in difficult times and our mental health is suffering as a result. Check in on your friends and don’t be ashamed to ask for help if you need it. Rediscover the hobbies and the relationships you’ve let fall by the wayside. Take pride in your accomplishments each day, however small they may seem.

The struggle may be real but it’s not impossible to overcome.

Today was a better day. Tomorrow can be too.

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