Amanda stood in the middle of the hallway and watched the double doors close. She could see the doctor through the narrow glass window walking back to his office.
She had gotten the time wrong and shown up hours early. Again.
Amanda turned at the sounds of footsteps behind her. A short, dark-skinned woman came into the hallway and waited by the elevator. The elevator signaled its arrival a moment later with a soft “Ding!” and a man in a charcoal grey suit emerged. The woman greeted him and offered him water in a thick Caribbean accent, which he declined politely. The woman motioned toward a set of wide wooden seats near Amanda and the man sat down.
Amanda glanced back through the window at the now-empty hallway on the other side of the doors. She scanned the walls where she was standing for a clock. “They tell me I need to come back later or wait until 4:00,” she muttered to herself. “But how am I supposed to know what time it is without a freaking clock?”
She forced herself to sit, determined to calm her nerves, but couldn’t help wringing her hands. It was bad enough that she had the wrong time – again – but she was not about to embarrass herself in front of another stranger. She knew how that story ended and she was not interested in living through it again.
“Uh, excuse me,” she said slowly to the man in the suit, “do you have the time?”
“I do,” he said congenially and pulled back his jacket sleeve to check his watch. “It’s 1:48.”
Amanda thanked him and shifted her weight in her chair. She continued rubbing her hands together, pausing only to replace the occasional wisp of her hair away from her face. I knew I should have washed my hair last night, she thought ruefully. I bet Doc would have agreed to see me if I had.
She stood again and peered through the double doors. Amanda could see that the doctor’s office door was ajar. The light formed a narrow triangle on the floor of the dimmed hallway that seemed to point like an arrow back toward the double doors. Is it telling him to come back to me or telling me I need to just leave until it’s my time?
Amanda couldn’t decide.
Amanda stole a glance at the man in the suit. He appeared to have terrific posture, though that could have just been an adjustment to the uncomfortable wooden chairs. He crossed his legs at the ankle and rested his hands on a faded black portfolio in his lap. His eyes were open, she noted, though they did not seem to be focused on anything in particular.
Definitely trying to get a job here, she thought. Not a doctor; he’d be looking to meet Doc if he were, instead of waiting for that other woman to come back. What’s her name again? I can never remember. She never offers me water the way she offered him, though, I know that much. Maybe a psychologist? No, he’d be wearing a white shirt instead of blue. A nurse? A supervisor? Or another God-damned social worker to try and tell me–
“Pardon me?”
Amanda did not realize she had begun pacing again until the man’s voice stopped her in her tracks.
Oh shit, she thought. Did I say that last part out loud? Did he hear me? This is just like last time. I totally did it again. I can’t believe it, I’ve been so careful. But, of course, I just didn’t… I just couldn’t… again.
“Hmm?” she asked, praying the man wouldn’t push her to continue speaking.
“I don’t mean to bother you,” he said, smiling again. “I just wasn’t sure if you noticed your shoe was untied.”
Amanda looked down. Sure enough, the laces on her left shoe had whipped behind her foot as she walked and attracted a number of dust bunnies from the hallway floor.
“Oh, thanks,” she muttered, kneeling down to replace the knot. Relief washed over her as the man simply nodded slightly and let the conversation trail off.
Amanda sat again and forced herself to take a deep breath. She pictured the first therapist who had taught her about cleansing breaths. Amanda was relatively certain the woman had been severely underqualified and had told her so on more than one occasion. But, Amanda concluded years later, the woman had known what she was talking about with this, at least.
She drew in another breath and held it for a few seconds before releasing it slowly. She still couldn’t believe how well the breaths worked when she felt like nothing else would.
Not that I would ever admit that to her, of course, she thought, permitting herself a scoff for emphasis.
Amanda heard footsteps echoing from down the hallway as the Caribbean woman returned. The woman asked the man in the suit to follow her downstairs to the office. He rose from the wooden seat and walked softly after her to the staircase door. The two disappeared into the staircase and the door closed behind them softly.
Before she realized what she was doing, Amanda had bounded down the hall to the staircase door and flung it open.
“Hey!” she called down the stairs after the man in the suit.
The man and the Caribbean woman both stopped at the bottom of the staircase and looked up at Amanda.
“Umm,” Amanda stammered, suddenly unsure of herself. “Uh, good luck.”
The man in the suit smiled back at her, his eyes twinkling.
“Thanks,” he said. “You too.”
