To say that the boy looked happy would have been an understatement.
There was an air about him, pride combined with confidence, with just the slightest hint of surprise. The missing tooth in his broad smile added an element of childish cuteness to his aura but I was particularly drawn in by his eyes. They were lit up with the rest of his face as he smiled but they also conveyed a sort of challenge to the camera.
“Check me out,” they seemed to be saying. “I caught this bad boy and I’m ready for anything else you want to throw at me.”
The “bad boy” in this case was the fish in the boy’s hands that looked to be almost as big as his head. I don’t know if he had help in landing the green and black-scaled former swimmer, but the boy’s stance and the position of his fingers as he held his trophy led me to believe that this had not been his first time fishing.
This is my son, Sam. He’s 5. And today he learned how shitty and harmful #ToxicMasculinity is. My rage meter is spiking right now so excuse me if this is a little raw but there are some things I want to say about BS #gender norms (a thread) pic.twitter.com/NtoE2VHKsU
— Daddy Files (@DaddyFiles) October 23, 2018
And yet, the strength in his eyes faded quickly in my imagination as I read about him coming home from school in tears.
The scene was familiar to me: a young boy decides goes to school with painted nails and is ridiculed for “looking like a girl.” E received some negative feedback from other kids, as well, when he went to school with nail polish last year. E did not come home in tears – it sounded like the treatment the boy online had received was much more severe – but his confidence had definitely been shaken. He had been in kindergarten at the time, just as the boy online was, and I remembered feeling worried that a simple, isolated comment from another child would dampen E’s curiosity or his self-expression.
Thankfully, E seems to be doing just fine on both of those counts. His passion for sports is just as strong as his newfound affinity for acting and both of those are still just holding candles to his desire to build with his Legos. His requests for nail polish have come somewhat less frequently over the last few months but, when I told him about the boy online and that some dads I knew were planning to paint their nails as a show of solidarity, E said he wanted to paint his nails with me. He said that he wanted to show the boy that there are other young boys who paint their nails and he wanted T and me to help him do it.
So we did.
It should be noted that this was a fairly large step for me. Not only have I never painted my nails before, I’ve never even worn makeup, unless you count the stage makeup I wore for school musicals in high school. And, outside of a costume or two, I’ve never changed my outward appearance in a way that is usually considered feminine. For all of my preaching about the ridiculousness of attaching gender to colors or activities, I’ve stayed pretty firmly in the realm of conventional masculinity with regard to my own behaviors. I’m still trying to decide if that means that I belong somewhere on the hypocrisy scale, especially after scoffing for years at the idea of getting manicures or being reluctant to wear a decidedly pink shirt (until recently, of course). I’m hoping that, if the answer is yes, it’s still a fairly low rating.
I also realize that, in most cases, that decision likely is not up to me.
My worst fear was that people would see me painting my nails with E and would accuse me of simply jumping on the men-painting-their-nails bandwagon because now I have “permission.” Well, actually, my worst fear was that people would begin taking aim at E or at T and me because of our willingness to allow him to explore his interests.1 The fear of having my motives questioned was less of a concern when compared with my son’s well-being.
My hope, though, was that people would see E and me sharing an activity that he enjoys. They would see me looking for a way to connect with him, especially if doing so meant that I was taking a leap outside of my comfort zone (which this definitely was). They would see a father and son trying to send a message of hope and encouragement to another father and son about how to be proud of one’s self, no matter how others might react. And, even though our little gesture might not solve the gender conflicts that continue to exist in our society, we’re still helping to take one more step in the right direction.
1. If you’re looking for a glimpse of what I mean, read through some of the comments on that Twitter thread above.↩
